Friday, 1 February 2013

Up the duff...

I thought I would mix it up a bit with a poem or two on my blog - this one was written a long time ago now, after having my first sproglet. 
Be warned though - no romanticised references to blooming, neat little bumps...


In the club, up the duff, in the family way,
Phrases used by those confused who don’t know what to say,

‘With child’ is what your granny was,
Fertilised is proper,
Wherever we’re at, just don’t call us fat,
Or you might come a cropper!

Because you see, with pregnancy,
Comes more than just the bump,
There’s piles for a start, and lots of farts,
So who cares we’re a little plump?

You can’t drink wine, but juice is just fine,
As long as it’s organic,
And more than 2 cups of coffee a day,
Sends midwives into a panic!

No more brie, or stilton for me,
Cheddar is safe but so boring,
And lemsips are out without a doubt,
Leaving you bunged up and snoring.

You follow the rules and ignore all the fools,
Who tell you ‘a little won’t matter!’,
And all of the while, you sit on your piles,
Your bum getting fatter and fatter.

Your clothes they don’t fit, your trousers have split,
You ponder just what you are doing,
‘Cos when it comes out, all it does is just shout,
And cries whilst it’s weeing and pooing!

And then comes the day, you’ve been waiting to say,
‘I think that it’s time we go in!’
Your bag’s in the car, it’s really not far,
Then reality starts to set in…

Your legs feel like jelly and your monstrous belly,
Feels solid as a rock,
And now you’re aware, that you really don’t care,
If you’ve packed enough knickers and socks!

Lip balm – who cares? Just the gas and the air,
Make sure it’s got plenty of poke,
Pethidine? Now!  Epidural you cow!
Before I murder my bloke!

Then amidst all your fear, it becomes crystal clear,
None of it matters a jot,
A person arrives, who will change both your lives,
What a wonderful gift you have got!

The stretch marks will fade and mistakes you have made,
Will vanish along with your tum,
‘Cos now you’re complete (lots of cheeses to eat!)
A baby, a Dad and a Mum.

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